"Selfish" Choices

Did you know that some people consider it selfish to take care of yourself? To do things that make you happy? To choose healthy meals and activities over fast food and sitting in front of the tv? 

I reject that notion in the strongest possible way. 

I don't think there is ANYTHING selfish about taking care of yourself - physically or emotionally. 

But since some people - who shall remain nameless - consider my recent behavior to be "selfish" let me share with you and let you be the judge. :)

First... I made a bit of a change. Why? Because I WANTED to. Because it would make me happy! Because I was finally brave enough to overcome the voice in the back of my head telling me I'd better leave things "as is" or face the wrath at home. 

Here's picture proof of my change (I know some of you saw it on FB already)...

No more long hair! I sat down in the chair and told my stylist to do this! She asked me about a dozen times if I was sure and each time I said YES! I have to admit when the first long section hit the floor my heart skipped a beat. But by the time she was done I was thrilled and the second I walked out the salon door and felt the fresh air hit the back of my neck I was IN LOVE with it!!! 

"Selfish" act number two: I've been cooking meals that please me and what I feel I need to do to take care of my health. Examples... last nights dinner was red peppers stuffed with turkey smoked sausage, mushrooms, garlic, a little bit of salad pasta and low fat cheese; tonight's dinner was sauteed chicken breast with asparagus, mushrooms, red pepper and jalapeno. I figure since my ability to workout is limited with the new/old ankle injury that I need to be extra careful with my meals... which means we are NOT eating pizza regularly. Sorry dear family... that's just the way its going to be.

My final "selfish" act (for this post anyway): I spent most of Sunday afternoon with my friend Cassie... exploring the island and taking pictures of whatever looked interesting along the way. The weather was PERFECT and there was absolutely no way I was going to  sit home and watch a certain nameless someone drink beer and watch tv. I was careful not to do anything that would further injure the ankle... though I did put my toes in the water... which felt amazingly refreshing! 

Here are a few of the pictures...

What do ya think? Pure selfishness? Lol 

Here We Go Again!

I could cry right now! Actually I have... some... not a lot. But I'd be lying if I said no tears had flowed today.

I saw the doctor. He confirmed that I have a probable high ankle sprain. 

Ugh! Screw crying... I want to scream! I want to shout! I want to throw out every curse word you can dream up and maybe I few I will make up as I go! 

I've been so energized, happy, finally (after two years) feeling ready to tackle the task of taking control of my health and weight. And now... this! It seems so damn unfair! But then life isn't fair.

Guess what's next?

A return trip to physical therapy. I'm not sure how long that will take to get started. Our insurance just switched networks and their referral system is all messed up. I'm actually looking a little bit forward to the physical therapy... its sort of like a personal trainer that the insurance pays for. :) 

In the meantime... I get to practice lots of R.I.C.E. (minus the C - the doctor said it wasn't necessary), keep driving to a minimum since the pain makes sudden braking nearly impossible and I'd rather not crash, take motrin like its candy, and not do anything that aggravates it. I'm positively forbidden from walking on the beach or on uneven ground until I'm cleared by the PT to do so. On the bright side, I can walk carefully on the treadmill or paved walkways and I can cycle... so much less restrictive than the previous injury... so thankful for that part. 

Possibly most important... I'm DETERMINED that I WILL NOT let this injury stop me from achieving my goals. Unlike last time, I WILL find ways to work with the limitations instead of letting them become an excuse! 

In other news... I spent the afternoon getting some stuff planted in pots for the backyard. Our soil is so awful here... its just way easier and more cost effective to grow in containers, but I'm okay with that. Young Sir is looking forward to helping with the fruit and vegetables this summer... I'm pretty sure if I'm not watching him I won't actually get any for myself. I LOVE that he eats healthy things the way he does... but I'd like a few for myself. LOL. 

I had a special supervisor for my outdoor activities today...

Soon I will share the story of the camera used to take this picture. :) 

Week One Success

Today marks the end of the first week with my new goals. 

Overall I'm happy to report it was a success! 

I used the treadmill three days - for twenty minutes each time - increasing my speed each time. The third day I even jogged in intervals... something I've never really done. The crazy part... I think I'm actually starting to LOVE the treadmill... I mean I'm looking forward to getting on it, turning up the music and attempting to beat my previous numbers. 

I also walked outside three days. Two of the days were with my Bella - which is a whole different kind of workout if she spots a fluffy tailed bunny or God help me a cat! Lol. The third outdoor walk was a late night walk... I left the house around 11pm. The moon was up and just gorgeous over the water. The neighborhood was quiet. There was a light breeze, but not the whipping wind we so often have. It was simply bliss... I could have walked forever. 

I did decide to take one day to give my body a rest.

My total miles for the week were 6.75. 

I didn't worry about my eating too much... though I was naturally attempting to make good food choices. 

The scale showed a 1.2 pound loss! Not a huge loss... but its a solid pound and I'm happy with it.

I think focusing on starting SLOWLY and not going overboard with HUGE expectations definitely benefited me in this first week. I didn't walk til I felt overly tired or fatigued at all... I stayed within a comfortable range just getting my heart rate elevated a little bit. 

My body was feeling really good until last night. I reached up into a high cabinet to grab something and felt a twinge in my ankle... it still doesn't like me to stand on tip toe. Then we went for a walk with Bella... on uneven ground. When I went to bed last night it was sore... but I figured it would be better by this morning. It wasn't. It hurt to get out of bed. It hurt to put my foot on the break pedal when I was driving. It hurts to curl my toes. Side to side movement hurts. Its not the part they repaired, more like a high ankle issue, which is good I suppose... or maybe its worse. I don't know. So... rather than push through I decided to give it a rest. God knows I'm a terrible patient... and this totally sucks! I could seriously just cry. Its not like I've been out doing crazy things that were unrealistic for my fitness level... I've been deliberately careful to start slowly and take precautions. Yet, here I am. I've done the whole R.I.C.E. thing religiously since I got home from seeing my bestie at the hospital this afternoon. I'm going to the doctor tomorrow afternoon... rather than sit here hoping it magically gets better or insisting I can deal with the pain. I'm praying its not something that's going to stall my forward movement yet again... honestly I'm a bit nauseated at the thought. I mean really... after all these months I'm just finally feeling like I'm in control and getting back on track and now this! But worst case scenario... I will find ways to keep moving in the right direction regardless. If I've learned anything in the two years since the original injury... its that you have to have back up plan!

One more ice pack and then its bedtime for me... I wonder if I can get a glass of wine with that. Lol

"Forgetting" Myself Thinner

The last several days have been pretty amazing for me - at least by the standard of where I've been emotionally in recent weeks (months really). Monday, I was so energized and dare I say excited about things that I couldn't wait to write a post that would actually be happy and positive... then the tragic events in Boston happened... and a happy post just didn't seem right.

My heart and mind are sick with thoughts of Boston... there are just no words. In the midst of this terrible tragedy I saw something both wonderful and heartbreaking right in my own living room. Young Sir was glued to the news coverage from the minute he got home from school. I HATE that we live in a world where I have to try to explain such awful things to him - in a way he can understand. It breaks my heart that he (or any child) has to try to understand these things. His response is the wonderful part (especially since I always remember the awful day in the doctor's office when the doctor told me he'd never have the emotions of a "normal" person)... he told me how sad it was and how the people that did it need to go to jail. Then he immediately wanted to know the names of the people who were hurt so he could pray for them and help them... because in his words they were going to need lots of love. He is such a kind hearted boy.

Like I said in the beginning, the last several days have been pretty amazing for me!

Over the weekend I faced a huge fear and did my first public (local) event since leaving the shop. I was anxious for the entire week leading up to it - complete with bad dreams and borderline panic attacks. Thoughts of canceling my spot at the last minute entered my mind. I knew there would undoubtedly be people there that had connections to the shop - customers if nothing else. And there were lots of them. And ya know what? It was okay. Two of my friends hung out with me for parts of the day. The other vendors were awesome. The people that I did know from the shop were friendly. I sold a fair number of items and have several custom orders from the event. Its like a huge weight was lifted from my shoulders - I came home feeling tired and full of energy at the same time!

My oldest friend came to visit for Saturday evening and most of Sunday - along with her twins. There was a time a few years ago where she was at our house almost every weekend. She's moved a little further away and I've hardly seen her since then. It was just sooooo nice to catch up and let the kids play together. We can go months or longer without seeing eachother or even talking much - and literally within about 15 minutes together its like we were never apart. There is comfort and rejuvenation in a relationship like that!

By Monday morning I was feeling pretty darn good about things - life in general! With this good feeling came an idea... I NEED to forget myself thinner. What does that mean? I need to stop dwelling on the fact that the number on the scale was nearly 50 pounds lower than it is today. I need to stop thinking that I can workout at the level I was when I was 190 pounds. I need to stop looking at the numbers with a focus of "getting back to where I was." I need to let that "me" go and embrace the "me" I am today. I know a while back I had a similar thought process that I wrote about... but I wasn't able to fully embrace it. I believe this time will be different.

Monday morning... I reset all the numbers on my scale to zero. There is no record of what I used to weigh... only what I weigh now... which is 237.xx pounds.

I have three basic goals right now...

1. To have deliberate movement in every single day... whether its time on the treadmill, a walk outside, an active game on the Wii, etc... anything as long as I make the choice to MOVE. Notice I'm not setting a goal that requires me to enter the gym... I'm just not there yet.

2. To log 20 miles combined between walking outdoors and on the treadmill by April 30th.

3. To be less than 230 pounds by May 16th.

It feels good to have fairly concrete goals.

Oh and I even took some "before" type pictures... I have to get them off my phone still though.

I'm looking forward to seeing myself thinner... and healthier!

Two Years and Eight Days Ago...

Two years and eight days ago... a scared, shaking, rain-soaked girl showed up at our front door. Without a second thought - or a backward glance - we opened our home and our lives to her... and she became known affectionately as Non-Daughter. 

In one moment it seems like just yesterday. In another it seems like a lifetime ago... like she has always been a part of our family.

When I think back on those early days - where she would jump and visibly shake if you woke her, when we were all nervous every time a car drove by the house, when going to town held an element of fear because we never knew where her parents might be lurking - I wonder where I found the strength to deal with the stress and the uncertainty of the days. 

As a family we did what needed to be done - without a second thought. There was no looking back and no question of the road we were on. Our home and lives were opened to her. We made sure we were protected legally and every day til she turned eighteen I prayed that her parents wouldn't report her as a runaway (the one thing that could have forced us to send her home). We faced the reality that if having her as part of our family meant moving to a different home we would do that... no questions asked. 

The bottom line is that there was nothing I (we) wouldn't do to keep Non-Daughter safe and help give her the life she had so richly deserved all along. 

So much has happened in those two years and eight days... She is far from that scared girl that showed up on our doorstep. She is strong and confident... comfortable in her own skin. Whatever life - and the Navy - throws her way... she is prepared. And, she knows she has a family to love and support her. Maybe not the one she was born into - but a family nonetheless. 

Tonight... Non-Daughter says to be in a text... "Be as dedicated to your own goals as you have been in helping me reach mine."

Wise words from a young woman who I think needs a new name... Non-Daughter just doesn't seem to fit anymore... I couldn't love the girl any more if she was biologically mine.

Something new to ponder with all the other things rolling around in my mind... yippee! 

To Tell The Truth...

I have a VERY difficult time asking for what I need.

No matter the issue... asking for what I need is like pulling teeth. Telling someone I need help is nearly impossible; I'd rather grin and bear it through terrible misery than ask for help and face the possibility of the dreaded rejection. 

Ask me how I'm doing... I'm going to tell you I'm okay pretty much no matter what. Even if I'm dying inside I will tell you everything is okay. It will be a total lie... but I will say it anyway.

Why? Because its safer than opening myself up to having to explain why I'm feeling the way I am. Because its safer than having someone look at me with confusion from trying to understand where I'm coming from. Because its easier than listening to someone tell me how "easy" it is to "fix" my life.

It wasn't always this way.

Once upon a time, I was able to freely ask for what I needed. My ability to ask for the things I need has diminished over the years as I have been repeatedly rejected and rebuffed... made to feel like I'm not worthy of the time or effort it would take to give me what I need. To the point where its safer to not need anything from anyone... or at least to never verbalize those needs... ya can't get rejected if you never put yourself out there. 

The flip side to that...

Its pretty darn hard to get what you need if you never ask for it. 

To tell the truth... there are a few things I've come to realize I really need in the last few days...

1. A routine. A schedule. Just because I don't have a job to go to or set business hours doesn't mean I don't need to stick to a routine. Without a routine I feel like I just "float" through my days without any real purpose. It doesn't feel good.

2. Deadlines. No surprise here. I work better under pressure. Deadlines give a sense of urgency. Deadlines help drive me toward the goal... the end result. 

3. People to keep me accountable. This is the hardest to say because its the one that truly requires "asking for help." Its also probably the one I need the most. Funny how that works... what I need the most is the one that's the hardest to express. I NEED someone (or a few someones lol) to help keep me on the straight and narrow... to text, email, fb me DAILY and make sure I'm on track... to give me a good kick in the butt when I deserve it... to push me forward when I want to give up. 

These three things are what I'm focused on this week... making myself a reasonable schedule, establishing deadlines for some short term goals, and recruiting a person or three to help keep me moving forward. 

These three things... and kicking my allergies to the curb! Fingers crossed my meds start doing their job SOON! 

Monday Madness

My Monday most definitely did not go according to plan. My big plan of the day was to tidy the house a little bit and spend the rest of the day working on coming up with solid goals - for health/weight loss/fitness, business, house projects, etc. I feel like I'm at a point where I want to take control - while still being careful not to overwhelm myself with unrealistic goals/plans. That was the plan...

I woke up not feeling terribly sore from yesterday's climbing. But I was oh so tired. All I wanted to do was put Young Sir on the bus and fall back to sleep... which is exactly what I did... until 11am. I had to planned to sleep in a little bit - hoping to be up and ready for the day by about 10am... so I wasn't necessarily that far behind schedule. I could rush through my morning routine and come out okay if I got moving.

Before I even had time to consider breakfast choices or pick my outfit for the day, my phone rang. I didn't recognize the number... but I recognized the prefix as a local cell phone number for this area... so even though I rarely (if ever) answer calls from unknown numbers I chose to pick it up. Not sure why. 

The person on the other end of the line was Young Sir's very frantic sounding aide at school. Young Sir was missing!!! Immediately 1,001 alarm bells start going off in my head. How could this be happening again?!?!?! 

There was a substitute teacher in the class. Apparently Young Sir had gotten upset in class (while the aide was in another part of the school) and had left upset. They looked everywhere and couldn't find him. They notified the police to have patrols keeping an eye out for him. After over half an hour, they had finally called this aide that works with him most of the time. She looked for him on her own and couldn't find him. She decided that I should be aware of what was happening, found my number and called me. Somewhere around 90 minutes after he disappeared the aide found him in the school's green house; its one of his favorite areas in the school so I'm not sure why it wasn't checked right away. 

I'm thankful beyond measure that he was somewhere safe and hadn't decided to wander off! I'm also very frustrated and angry. This is the second time that they have "lost" him this school year. The first time they didn't even know he was gone until I notified them that he hadn't made it home on the bus; at least this time they realized he was unaccounted for and thankfully he was still on campus. I really didn't think he would leave campus because he was pretty darn scared when the first incident happened; but there was no way to know that with absolute certainty. I find it unacceptable that the call home didn't come until he had been gone nearly an hour and that the call came from an aide who wasn't even responsible for him at the time he disappeared. I think if the principal or assistant principal deemed it serious enough to notify the police that they should have also deemed it serious enough to notify the parents and not left the task to the poor aide. I hate having to stir the pot with the school... but I'm one very unhappy Mama right now! 

By the time I knew he was safely with the aide and was ready for my day it was less than hour before time for Young Sir to be home from school. That really didn't leave me sufficient time to do more than unpack our bags from the weekend (I was way too worn out to do it when we got home) and make a couple of phone calls. 

No time for working on goals. :(

I could have tried to work on them tonight after everyone was in bed. But I'm weird and like to work out serious stuff like that when I'm totally alone... don't ask me why. I really don't have an answer. Its the way I've always been. 

So nailing down the specifics for those goals got pushed back a day. Life will go on. Making sure my boy was safe took precedence.  

I'm committed to getting them down on paper (and here) by the end of the day Tuesday (or early Wednesday morning with my late night writing habits here). No more procrastinating or putting off because something more important came up. Even if that means I have to lock myself in the house and pretend I'm not here when someone comes to the door. Whatever it takes... as long as the school can manage to keep track of Young Sir for the day. 

I actually did pretty well food wise for the day... due in large part to a total lack of appetite. It was odd... I felt super hungry a couple of times but when I ate I only took a few bites before I had had enough and pushed the plate aside. That was food... totally different story with liquids. I think I could have drank liquid by the gallon all day. It didn't matter if it was water, soda or juice... it was like I couldn't get enough of it. Maybe, just maybe, I was a tad dehydrated after yesterday. Lol

One definite moment of humor in the day... I offered Young Sir a napkin at dinner. He looked me square in the eye (a rarity because he hates eye contact) and told me, "My tongue is my napkin." He then proceeded to stick his tongue out and attempt to lick his chin and cheeks clean. This may be proof that I tend to get more goofy when I'm tired... but I found it to be hysterical... partly because he was so completely serious about it and partly because the sight him attempting to lick his chin was pretty comical! 

:)