This seems to be the story of my life the last year or so... especially since leaving the shop. My ability to get stuff done and maintain any sort of consistency has suffered greatly. Stuff gets done when it critically has to... not a moment sooner. I've always worked better under a degree of pressure - with a deadline - but this is something different altogether. I just haven't had the drive or motivation to do much of anything. I do well with whatever I set my mind to for a day - maybe two or three - and then its right back to the state of inconsistency. Its not a feeling or state of being that I enjoy in the slightest... yet its where I've found myself for months.
Part of the issue is clearly all of the things I have coming at me in life... its difficult to focus on myself and my needs when there are SOOOOO many other things that demand my attention and pull me in a dozen different directions. But that's something I've always had to deal with (and I think everyone does to an extent) and have handled successfully in the past. But over the last year I just haven't had it in me to work around those things. The uncertainty over the future hasn't helped that's for sure. Maybe I just haven't wanted it badly enough.
Beyond that I've come to the conclusion that I need help learning to set realistic goals for where I'm at... physically and emotionally. In my head, I want to set crazy ambitious goals... like being back under 200 pounds by the end of the year. The relatively healthy, injury free me could quite possibly turn it up in the gym and fine tune my eating to achieve that goal. That version of me would tackle it with every ounce of energy and determination I could muster. The problem is I'm not that person anymore. And, try as hard as I might, I still feel defeated... deflated. I simply cannot do the things I could before... the things that allowed me to be successful when I lost weight before.
I honestly do not have a clue how to set goals for the person I am today. I have no idea how hard I dare to push myself realistically. Some days my ankle can take quite the beating... other days its all I can do to putter around the house without needing a painkiller and ice every few hours. I don't know what to do with me. And it makes me crazy... because I know I thrive on goals and deadlines.... and because I know beyond a doubt the last thing I need is to set yet another goal (or set of goals) that are unattainable.
After much thought, I still don't know how to handle the goal issue... but I'm working on it. But something has happened that should help with consistency and having some order to my chaotic life.
I have a new job!
Its just part time and nothing to get too excited about. But, it is the first real job I've had since before Young Sir was born. I wasn't really looking for a job, which I think may have helped because I didn't feel super pressured. The schedule is fairly family friendly as far as needing days or parts of days off and its really enjoyable to be out interacting with the community again.
My hope is the routine that having a job provides will translate to other parts of my life. That the new start in the realm of employment will lead to a fresh start and renewed perspective in other areas of life - like taking care of myself, getting my house together (ie ready for the probable move to a new house in the near future), etc.
For now... I'm taking it bit by bit and doing my best to be kind to myself. I'm also going to catch up on some of my favorite blogs... and I'm betting there are a few out there that I've been missing out on... so if you've got a must read blog (one you're loving) please share. :)